I’ve said this I think a lot. Or talked about parts of it a lot
We have been having a rough time for…oh a couple of years now? One had to do with a transition, that while the right choice a couple of years ago, has not been all it promised. It’s been a lot more stressful than it first appeared it would be and while the yuck factor in one area decreased with this transition, the yuck factor in another increased. Also the personal fulfillment level is not as good.
So I have to find other ways to do that and I am. I’ve volunteered as a web mistress and while I knew a decent amount to begin with, I know a lot more now. And I know I’m helping. It’s aggravating sometimes, but only sometimes.
I want to find an SQL book and get better at that–both server management and queries.
I want to write in my blog more. Even if only a few people read it, it feels good to have a journal.
Another rough time had to do with The Bean’s school. She was not thriving there. In fact, things were pretty difficult for her. I believe we have fixed this by 1) she finished at that school 2) she is in a different place now that certainly seems to be better for her. She is (mostly) willingly doing homework and 2) happier in general 3) has a rapport with her teachers. Every day she comes home and says how great her day was. This is a HUGE change. Her not dreading school each day–well we are all happier for that. The stomach aches, the tears–not happening. As we see this change for her J and I both realize how hard this was for us as a family. It feels a bit like the sun has come out.
We got some flack for this change. But you do what you think is best for your children so that they will have a happy and successful life. I wish we’d tried this sooner, I’m just glad we tried it now. And I’m mostly successfully ignoring the flack because the change in her has been rather dramatic.
A third rough thing is that I’ve been in a battle with my body. It has been very difficult physically for me. I feel embarrassed, ashamed and some of it is too personal to put out there but I’m trying again. Some of it I really can’t change–I’m stuck with new limitations. It feels like I’m always trying again–but with things spiraling with our house basically losing the roof, siding, gutters and the floor sinking and Em’s school situation–I just gave up around March. Just gave up. And I’ve been in a self loathing spiral about it since then.
Oh and did I mention our house fell in? Yeah that’s been draining. It isn’t all done but it is 80% there.
I’m trying to change that, to learn to live with my physical issues but get strong, by using SuperBetter.com. It seems like a fun way to feel accomplishment at what looks to be a long long journey. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of feeling weak. I’m tired of being round and I’m tired of hiding from pictures. No crazy diets–mindful healthy eating and exercise. I hope to start tomorrow. Of course I was REALLY sick yesterday and still feel weird today, but I have to try. I like walking, swimming, lifting weights. I have to start. I’m going to.
I don’t want to remove myself from the picture of my life any longer.