and along a tortuous path,
must use the cunning of the serpent.”
~Thomas Becket
What do you do when what you do is practically meaningless? I do not in any way, shape or form support this presidency. Evil, absolute evil is happening to immigrants, gay, transfolk and people of color, pregnant people. Evil is even happening to the people that voted for this horrible man. I do feel much less care for this last group, duped or not by Fox news, than all the others. It is the ‘get what you paid for’ and FAFO of it all.
I haven’t done enough. I know that. I’m tired , older and physically weaker. I don’t know where to put what small energy I have. Do I put it on myself to get healthier so I can do more? That will take time people don’t have. Do I keep doing until I just can’t–then I don’t have anything to give in the future.
I am doing small things that are likely meaningless. I go to protests when I am physically able and have J to go with me. I have stopped shopping at Amazon because Bezos supports Trump. I no longer subscribe to the Washington Post and haven’t for awhile. I don’t go to Whole Foods even though they have things that I can’t find elsewhere. I don’t go to Target. I closed my Twitter account. I have 90% been off Facebook and Instagram since January because Zuckerberg has taken off his human suit and is now showing his true lizard MAGA self. I write letters. I call my congress people. I cry. I donate. All feel meaningless, performative.
But, and here’s the personal situation– Facebook is the only or mostly only way I have ongoing contact with some people I really care about. I’ve kept my friends list small over the years. I curated my page to see cats, babies, kindness and friend life updates. I feel like I am losing some of these folks because I have stayed away. I haven’t managed to make BlueSky work that way. MeWe is a vast wasteland. I like Mastodon but it feels like we are all floating on space habitats that occasionally bump into other ones. I still haven’t managed to make Discord work for me, mainly out of just being tired.
I miss my friends. I had been planning a trip to Arkansas and then Trump fucked up the air traffic controllers and now I’m really nervous to get on a plane. I don’t have a ‘going places doing things’ friend group in Eugene. We may have moved here too late to establish that. I do have some folks here I care about a lot but we are all in the same place–tired, scared and horrified at what this insane presidency is doing to our country and our people.
Have I mentioned I’m tired? Yes I’m getting help for depression. Yes some of it is depression, but I also just feel burnt and exhausted. I keep up my Japanese more out of habit than pleasure right now. I haven’t picked up my ukulele in over a year. It is hard to read for pleasure anymore. I’m physically weak. I just have no idea what to do to be better. Probably time to get back in therapy but– it’s mostly the evil we are slouching towards in Washington that has me burying my head in youtube for hours. Or rearranging a room yet again.
I love my daughter and husband and our kitties so very much. I miss my friends. I miss being excited to do things. Or at the least interested. Like tonight J, E, G and I (the kids and husband) are all going to an Edgar Allen Poe performance and we are dressing up for it (or I am). This is something that I would normally love. I got the tickets to make myself do something fun. But I am not looking forward to it also not ~not looking forward to it. Am I just old now? Is this how it feels to be empty of nest and old? I kind of feel like I’m just waiting to be done, whatever that means.
All this maundering to say– I feel like it makes no difference if I am on or off Facebook. Except that Zuck and Meta are the bad guys who spread misinformation and rage. I miss my friends who are still there. I do not know how to reconcile this. I feel like contact with friends (yes I write them but that is an old fashioned hello) will help me, but that that is selfish.
And no, I do not compare myself to Thomas Becket–it’s just the place I draw from when trying to understand what the hell should I do?