what isn’t and will not be

Everyone is pregnant. Every blog that I read about miscarriage and infertility–they have either 1)recently had a baby or babies 2) are pregnant 3) about to give birth. I stay away from LJ right now too because there are new pregnancies and babies on my list. I am happy for them, but oh, I am angry too. Why them and not me?

I swing between angry and sorrowful. I am not sleeping, but instead thinking about what will not be. I wonder if this will ever ever stop hurting. I wonder if I will ever stop cursing, in my head, under my breath, as I pass through the maternity sections in stores. I wonder if I will ever stop crying late at night when everyone is asleep. Not every day, often enough.

\It hurts.