Unweaving

December 6, 2015   /   byJyllian M  / Categories :  Angst, Blogging Challenges, Ghosts, Reverb15
Murmur of the Innocents 13 by Gottfried Heinwein

Reverb Day 6

Looking at the thoughts and patterns that may be holding you back from living the life you want, trace back through the generations of your family and see if your beliefs originated generations ago.

In 2016, how can you bring healing to these patterns of thought that are holding you back?

There are so many that go back in my family, that I hesitated on this one.

These are the ones that have harmed me the most. The ones I work to let go of.

 

  • To speak up for yourself in disagreement with your family is to be frightening.
  • To say you are doing ‘the best you can’ excuses all manner of horrible behavior over and over again.
  • It is not possible to escape the role given to you in the family dynamic. If that happens, you will be excluded.

and the worst:

There is something broken and terrible in me, that invites the cruelty and bad things that have happened to me.

I think every member of my family has had that one at one time or another going back to my great grandmother at least.

I would have nightmares about waking up with cancer eating away my face and body and people pointing and saying “see, I told you she’s bad and she’s getting what’s coming to her now.”

The last one has been a part of my life so long I was terrified to get the blood test that would tell us if I would be passing anything along to our baby. I called it “getting tested for evil.”

I was so sure everything would come up on the test because I deserved it. All the diseases –and that I would then send my evil into my sweet baby.

That was buried inside me.

Lebensunwertes Leben by Gottfried Helnwein

Lebensunwertes Leben
Life unworthy of life
by gottfried Helnwein

When I get the feeling now, or someone says something frightful and quite possibly unforgivable, I remind myself I tested negative for evil. It sounds silly but it works.

I cannot figure how to cross the great divide with my family, or even if that is best for us. I don’t want to be hurt anymore and I certainly don’t want to bring such bad things to them as it appears that I do.  At some point, the next thing will happen and we’ll go from there. I’m not angry, I just have no idea what I could try that I haven’t already tried.

I am not frightening when I speak up for myself and my beliefs. Even if they don’t match his or hers or yours.

I’m really not a scary person. I think I’m strong and direct and clear. That doesn’t work well with some folks.

I have broken the cycle. I am so joyful about that. I am so proud of that.

I’m not sure about the rest. Time and distance? New adventures?  I don’t know what’s around the corner, but I know I will get there with J and E and all these cats.

 

 

 

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4 comments

  • Corinne / 07 Dec

    There is great power in your telling. I am joyful and celebrate with you for breaking the cycle. Well done.

    • Jyllian M

      Jyllian M / 08 Dec

      Thank you Corinne. This was a difficult one.

  • Lily Leung / 08 Dec

    Message

  • Lily Leung / 08 Dec

    I love the phrase “getting tested for evil”. I wonder why we(women) have so many fears. I wish you luck with new adventures. Having broken the cycle is the biggest step.

    Lily

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