Today’s post brought to you by the letters E, M and O

Oh the mope.

I am freaked about moving. So much to do and the house is so messy. And the mounds of things to do look insurmountable. I know the solution is just to keep moving forward a bit at a time. It’s been slowed by that flu turning into bronchitis. And we have so much crap. I am feeling the tiniest bit good about downsizing and getting rid of all the extra. I am saddened at the fact that E is saddened about moving. But we gotta.

I am seeing people already letting go of us . I don’t really ever let friends go in my heart but I also don’t follow that up with enough interaction. I try but I’m one of those extroverted introverts (when you know me and I know you, I loosen up but I’m also easily socially overwhelmed). I know also we are not the most outgoing joiner type people to be friends with, so some of the feelings I have towards others are not as reciprocated. I’ll have to try harder this next place. I hope I can. I hope we can.

I’m thinking about the end of my life –as other people I know get very old and now that I’m old

artist unknown
artist unknown

enough to really feel it. I will be able to say I tried my best and I was as kind as I could be and I have done right by Em. I have at least broken that cycle and her childhood is a happy one.

I’m spending time on regrets as I do this time each year. I do regret where it stands with my estranged family but I don’t see a way to fix that. This entire last blowup would have to be my fault and while parts of it are, a lot of it isn’t. The ugly words and behavior well, it appears that we have all reached an impasse. I’m trying my best to let that go with as many good wished towards them as  I can. I hope they are doing the same.

And the leaving of what has almost, nearly  become home. We never fully settled in and I think that says something. I’m still trying to figure out what though. I hope that doesn’t mean I/we aren’t to be fully settled anywhere. But…I did feel settled in SF so…maybe this was a 9 year sojourn. Both J and I never intended to stay here forever, so now is just a good a time as any, though I would like one more year for the kiddo’s sake. But –maybe right before high school is better than at high school.

I’m trying not to look at the whole process either because purging and staging and sprucing the entire house and then finding movers, a new place across the country AND driving there (something I’m not good at) with the cats singing Klingon opera the entire way…oh gotta stop, hyperventilating. For now I will pack some more books.

4 Comments

  1. Christine

    For what it’s worth, I never felt settled in my Seattle house the entire 8 years I lived there. Don’t miss the place at all now.

    Also, I don’t think there’s a way to make moving feel good. It’s just hard and angsty. Hang in there!

    • Jyllian M Jyllian M

      That helps to hear that thank you. I’ve kept waiting to feel the roots growing, but it just didn’t happen. I felt more settled in SF as I said. I don’t know if that is because I am less of a joiner now than I was–but no, there was more to be involved with with Bean’s things. I guess it just always felt…like a way station. It’s a bit of a puzzle.

  2. Hey Jyllian…I remember going through the same thing when I moved to Canada last year. I loved living in Fayetteville and the friends I met and the nice people I came across there. You’ve got to remember that nothing is forever and the move is hopefully an opportunity to improve the quality of life for your and your family. If it doesn’t work out, you can always move back!

    • Jyllian M Jyllian M

      wow! I want to know the process that got you from Fayetteville to Canada! I’m wandering around your blog now 🙂 I think the move will be very good for us, it is just hard to leave her school and our friends. I’m very grateful that the internet makes it possible to stay in better touch. I’m trying to focus on the adventure, not the OMG part of it.

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