pendulum swing

Sometimes I don’t like being a libra. There’s an easy hook to hang this whole thing on, when it’s probably not the stars, just my personality.

And growing pains.

We’ve gone from near isolation to whirlwind. I’m really grateful and happy to be a part of things but I”m feeling now like I’m on a ride going a bit too fast. Who am I here, now in Fayetteville, versus who I was, then in Fayetteville. How must I change to make people I care about comfortable or must I? When will I finally get through this one issue (not written of here, really only mentioned for my own reference)to the other side? I’m 90% there or maybe 85% but I’d like to be further along.

There are so many things that are newly fresh for me now–ancient hurts, questions I’ve always wanted to ask. So I ask them. And everyone here has had a long time to get past all those things. I’m rocking the boat. But every day I feel like I’m splashed with sometimes cold, sometimes warm water as I see or find something from *then* and try and place it in the context of now. I suspect in a year most of this will have settled out. I’d like for it to be easy now of course. I’d like not to make too many people uncomforable in the process.

I also feel like I”m relaxing more, letting down my guard, being myself. This should not be a bad thing and in many cases it isn’t, but I don’t feel quite safe about it. I will always worry about being odder than your average bear. Or even your above average bears.

I know I’m strange and mostly I’m comfortable with that, but sometimes I’m not. This is one of those times. I feel like there is a slot here I’m supposed to fit into, but I can’t remember which one it is. I think I might have found it, but it doesn’t quite fit correctly. Parts of me are too big and parts of it are too. I’m not as angsty or terrified. I’m more neurotic and less inclined to care what people think about me. I swing between wanting to have a wysiwig life and wanting to hide in a cave. Not bipolar mind you, just basically uncomfortable with the human race and my place in it.

So today it hurts. I’ll feel better tomorrow. I’d like to pull the blankets back over my head but there are too many things to do and I actually want to do most of them. But just for a minute here and there I think I’d rather be hiding somewhere.