Once more with feeling

aprilmoon_day7

April Moon Day 7

I’m working my way out from under a serious load–of a reoccurrence of the PTSD…or (and I hate this word) a triggering of it..or however you put that. Many months of painting and improving and packing and slowly taking our leave. 2 years of estrangements. Some lost friendships( and some gained).

The first thought in the morning is “Can I do this again today?” And most days..most days..I have been able to make myself get up and start again. Because the second thought is..”I have to do this again not for me, for her.”

I am trying so hard to keep all this from affecting my little family. I’m not always successful, but only a few times have I just not been able to move. A few more than I’d like but I’ve kept going.

I’m resilient. When I tell my story I’m always stunned to see the shock or the incredulity. And yes it is amazing I’m still here.

At night my mind won’t stop and often I count my breaths to still it. My last thought right now before sleep is “please come sleep, come fast, I don’t need any more thoughts today.” But more of a feeling than words. A pleading of the spirit.

 

2 Comments

  1. I see you. And I’m sending you love and fortitude.
    And a whisper in your ear: you don’t have to do this perfectly… and it’s OK for your family to see that you are not doing it perfectly… because, when the time comes, this will give them permission to do it imperfectly too.
    You got this. x

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