Leaping into the holidays

Project Reverb promptWhat decision did you make this year that was a leap of faith? Did it work out? Or not?”

It is still in process. We made the decision to move from our home of 9 years across the country. Better for J’s job, better for E to have adventures and probably a better work culture than where we are. I’ll let you know next Summer (once we get through a house sale) how this all plays out. What was keeping us where we are…other than some friends we dearly love, was dwindling. I didn’t want E to go to high school at the local high school and she only has one more year at her current school.

J never fit in here, not that he tried too much, but it was an uphill slog for him. He seems to have a much easier time in Oregon finding people he feels comfortable with. I…tried to fit in here and was successful to a certain degree but it has felt like wearing shoes that were about a half a size too small.

Our house on Halloween
Our house on Halloween

Not too bad, but a little uncomfortable. And by fit in I mean…feel comfortable. I know, as an introvert (or an extroverted introvert) I’ll never quite slot in…but I know I’ve felt more relaxed, more at home. I think I just spent so long away.

It hasn’t been bad though—far from it, with certain notable exceptions. It is just time. It will  be hard to leave the friends and the familiarity.  And I will miss this house. I don’t think we’ll ever have this much space again.

Reverb14 prompt: “I am not going to lie, I often dread the holidays because I grew with the holidays laden with heavy expectations of giving. The gifts wrapped in bright colored paper sitting under a tree sparkling with multi colored light were tied tight with invisible cords of what I was suppose to be or do that made it almost impossible to enjoy the gifts.

Now as an adult I strive understand there is a difference between generosity and giving. Generosity is free of obligations; it opens the heart, and creates warmth and connection between

 Broken Mask
Broken Mask

the giver and receiver. When I cultivate generosity the holidays become something I look forward to sharing with my loved ones.

Look back at the last year and consider: how did generosity open your heart? How can you cultivate generosity in the coming year?”

This is such a loaded prompt for me right now. I do believe in giving without strings, but I am learning that in some situations that leads to being used. Not all, but enough.  Sometimes when you do things for people they expect you to continue doing them…always. Even when you let them know you are becoming uncomfortable. Or they take it so for grated they start ordering you around. Or you are always the giver.  When they start to laugh at you for your giving or throw it in your face…time to reassess and then deal with the storm that follows.

That won’t stop me from offering my gifts and talents. There are a few things I can do that others can’t easily and is a way I can show love. BUT …there is a balance. It is a difficult to describe, but when you start to feel hurt and angry….then generosity has turned into expectation.

2 Comments

  1. ArianaAuburn

    There is nothing wrong with making decisions that require a leap of faith. Especially when it is one that is beneficial for your spouse. I honestly have never known you would feel you wouldn’t fit in this beautiful city of Fayettevile. But I see your point on the work culture in this area. Be prepared to expect a lot of sticker shock while moving. :/

    • Jyllian M Jyllian M

      after living in San Francisco for 14 years, reverting back to things being more expensive won’t be too huge of issue I think. We hit Fayetteville at a weird time..too odd for most parent groups, too old for gothy things (though I tried and shouldn’t have) too normal for others. It was just almost right. Maybe that is as good as it gets, I guess we’ll find out.

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