It is not a fragrant world. Raymond Chandler

Well I’m showing up once more. I’ll do this experiment (and lather rinse repeat) of beginning to write and finding what comes out. To get back in the habit of writing.

It’s been a rough day. I accomplished a few things, had some difficulties and battled either an allergy or a coming cold all day. I feel like whatever is on the bottom of my shoe after walking around all day.

I’m very tired and getting more tired. If I don’t get my inner reservoir filled up soon, I’m not sure what I’m going to do. Spending Halloween day with Mr. J  and haunting the neighborhood that night helped but I’m so depleted it was, to use a hackneyed phrase, like spitting in the ocean.

Both my world and the big world, the micro and macrocosm are a mess. 4th grade isn’t easy for the Bean. She’s been sick a lot and there’s something she’s not quite getting about getting along with the rules of the classroom/school. She wants to speak up when something doesn’t seem right to her and  encourage that—we just have to help her learn the way to do that so she’ll be listened to. I’m still trying to figure out how to do that myself so I feel like an inadequate teacher.

In the morning I hear on the news that hiring figures have been revised upward for the last two months. That’s good news. Then I get home and hear that the Fed has revised the projected economic growth downward for the next while. Is it going to get better? When is it going to get better?  Do I tell my kid *any* of the same things I was told—do well enough in school, go to college and you will be ok? That’s just not the case anymore is it? Too many wars and not enough taxes on the people and corporations that can afford it have screwed the economy up and then the greedy and corrupt banks took it the rest of the way down. What does my kid have to look forward to? I can’t in good conscience suggest *anything* in the liberal arts anymore and that’s heartbreaking.

I’m not feeling well and losing my optimism. My Bean told me I have too many bucket dippers and not enough bucket fillers. I think she’s right. I also told her I feel pretty lucky about having her, her dad and these too many cats as bucket fillers for me. I need some other things too though, she’s right—if I could just quit being too tired to …do anything. I’m going to have to force the issue, it won’t be tomorrow though. Maybe this weekend. I hope. Something has to give and I hope it’s for the better, not the worse.