In starlit nights I saw you So cruelly you kissed me Your lips a magic world Your sky all hung with jewels ~Echo and the Bunnymen

The prompt for the 17th, which is not today, but which I decided to do today, because I’m like that is:

Make a list of everyone you’ve ever had a crush on in your life, then choose one from the list and describe him or her in great detail. (Guest Post by Ann Napolitano, author of A Good Hard Look)

you SO don’t get to see the list. Why? Because after a million years living away from where I grew up I’m back until the Bean graduates from high school. Then we are moving back to California.

ANYway..

oh the folks I crushed on.  Sigh. It’s actually kind of nice to think about them. And I’m pulling up old music associated with them while I’m thinking about this entry.

I don’t know whether to write about the one I was crazy about, the one I could have loved (ok there were two) or the one that got away and was never to be anyway.

See I either fell head over heels or was the last heterosexual date for many MANY a gay boi.

I don’t regret one second of that either. Of any of them.  And they all know who they are and they all know that if we hadn’t partnered up we would have married each other /had kids and taken lovers by this point. How many of ya’ll did I have THAT pact with? A Home at the End of the World Indeed. Except I would have stayed.

But great detail, dare I do I in this small town? Are they even here anymore? Still. Being the Queen of TMI, even I have limits.

Dark hair. Intense dark eyes, quick hands. A mind like …a mind like well that could keep up with mine. That sounds horridly conceited but I grew up having to think around and beside things and to find a person who could keep up with that…well it was a big deal for me. I’m much smarter now than I was then…then I was quick. And so was…

Odd, so odd. And wounded. I could just touch that hurt part, feel it slip through my fingers and lips like fog, like a cloud when you are flying through it to a better place.

Your room was not spartan, but detailed. I saw so much there. A soul. Losses. Things missing. And I wanted to paint it all over with the color of my lips. Your mother’s picture, not enough furniture. Why wouldn’t you let me look…?

But we were so young and I was odd.  And there isn’t one but three and one of them I can’t tell you more about.

The night of music and sweaty angry teenaged bodies crashing into each other. I didn’t act like a girl- I wanted to throw myself in, to become a whirling knife, my anger was so great.

And the stolen hurried kisses and skinny ties. The sweaty bodies and my weird and unreasonable desire to not do things too soon. You threw me away because I wouldn’t go any further. It didn’t matter all those moments with a backdrop of falling leaves and canons. Sad and funny.

Or train tracks and the soul crushing “now we’ve made out. you have what you’ve always wanted.”

Yes yes I did and you broke and tore my heart in a way no one has ever ever been able to do since –only you. Only you crushed a part of me that has never ever been able to return from that horrible moment that as many times as I remember it—doesn’t lessen the tear in my soul.

And then there is  one I won’t say anything about.

God I love you all. I regret you all and I don’t even for  a moment wish I could take it all back.

 

"Temptation"

Oh, you’ve got green eyes
Oh, you’ve got blue eyes
Oh, you’ve got grey eyes
And I’ve never seen anyone quite like you before
No, I’ve never met anyone quite like you before
Heaven, a gateway, a hope
Just like a feeling I need, it’s no joke
And though it hurts me to see you this way
Betrayed by words, I’d never heard, too hard to say
Up, down, turn around
Please don’t let me hit the ground
Tonight I think I’ll walk alone
I’ll find my soul as I go home
Each way I turn, I know I’ll always try
To break this circle that’s been placed around me
From time to time, I find I’ve lost some need
That was urgent to myself, I do believe
Oh, you’ve got green eyes
Oh, you’ve got blue eyes
Oh, you’ve got grey eyes
And I’ve never seen anyone quite like you before
No, I’ve never met anyone quite like you before
Bolts from above hurt the people down below
People in this world, we have no place to go
Oh, it’s the last time
Oh, I’ve never met anyone quite like you before
Oh no, I’ve never met anyone quite like you before