Anyone who doesn’t take truth seriously in small matters cannot be trusted in large ones either.~Albert Einstein

It’s been awhile. I go from talking every day to saying nearly nothing. Its been a rough few weeks for me. I’ve been ill, which hasn’t helped my general outlook. I’ve also been having a really difficult time determining where the truth is about some really important things. It’s very difficult when you don’t know who you can trust. 

I’m lucky in that I know where the boundaries of trust lie with friends I’ve known long and with my family. I’ve lost trust with family members before and am in process of trying to rebuild some of that with further flung family members. And with some of that too I have to let go of what I may have wanted and take what they are willing to give. It is both a process and a destination.

I have managed to develop a good and trusting relationship with someone who has always been very dear to me, but we haven’t always had the easiest time with each other. I love you sister and I feel lucky we’ve been able to get beyond all we’ve been able to get beyond. And I’m proud of you–as a parent, as a person and a friend.

With newer aspects and relationships in my life I am dealing with a lack of trust and direction. I feel lost. I am sorrowful. I am searching for kindness and not getting it. That is not entirely true–I am focused on where I am not getting it and need to try and re-focus on where I am getting it. I need to try very very hard. Very very very hard.

My perspective is skewed. My eyes are too close. I cannot change anything but myself and therefore will somehow, someway do so. 

 

Samatha hyllacaligari

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