Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend. Albert Camus

Well it is about birthday time. And about time for me to have the mopes. These are both

reasonable and not.

Why are they—well I had a  ….a childhood. So each year on my birthday I remember things you might see on a made for TV movie. And wonder just a bit.

Sorry did I scare you? Well I could but for now I must refrain.

But yes, for reals. In a few years I’ll go into Lifetime movie channel detail and you will be impressed that I’m even able to write my own name without drooling.

And I’m sad about my relationship with some old friends and disappointed in my ability to make new friends. Not that we haven’t, I’d just like a bit more. And that’s on me.

Totally on me.

First things first.

I release them. Yep.  I adore some of them but some—not so much in common. I hope I can find a way to have a relationship with a few of  them, our kids etc  but hey.. we all change and I never played rugby or ultimate.  I’m not a jock and I’m quirky and more than a little solitary. I’d like to find common ground and I find much to admire in them==brilliant careers or amazing trailblazing (building your own green house from the ground up>but I’m difficult and weird and there you go.

But god…you have people you love no matter what, even if the are pissed at you right? You admire them? sigh.

My new friends from school—here is why I haven’t always been there. I think you are all super neato and smart and fuuny and I want us to hang out, but…you keep having babies. I ‘m really REALLY happy for you because—without reservation ya’ll are good parents or are going to be . I just lost..4 pregnancies. As each birthday passes I get hit hard with only having one child. Leave it at that. I get  weird with baby showers for now.  For now. I’m trying to get over that, I’m trying really hard. I actually bought baby clothes for someone just last week. That’s a big improvement over wanting to cry everytime I accidentally end up in the baby section.

Also I’m really, when you think of it…new here. I grew up here but I’ve been gone for years. I am not the same person. I left for 20 years. As much as I am from Fayetteville I am from San Francisco . My, OUR outlook is not the same.

What can I do?  Initially I wanted to wallow in sorrow, but you know what? Bullshit. I’ve made mistakes in my re-entry to Fayetteville and if that can’t be forgiven, well there you go Check your own karma . I’d like to be a part and if you don’t want me, I’ll find another place. The thing I love about Fayetteville—same as when I was a kid—there’s room for all of us.

Why did we move back here? We wanted life to be safe for the Bean. We wanted good schools for her. We wanted an eclectic interesting town life. We have that.

Now I think I need to work on developing friendships instead of relying on the past. And constantly apologizing for it.

One Comment

  1. Dennis Downing

    I am a stranger and new to this blog but I hear what you are saying in this blog. I want you to know that I may not have had your life experiences but I understand how it can be to feel less than boisterous about life. I want to let you know that I feel much empathy toward you and don’t know how else to describe it. I look forward to reading your Countdown to Halloween posts!

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