A Hollow Show

Reverb Day 4

There are ways to feel better when I’m just keeping my head above water. Unfortunately those are the hardest things to do when you find yourself in the middle of the ocean.

 

Living in a house you might need to show at any time is very tiring. Having people you don’t know  where you are living is tiring and odd. (Notice I don’t say ‘our home’ because it isn’t anymore. It’s waiting for the next family to love it). It is difficult to make sure that your kiddo has as normal a life as possible. And still show up to part time work. And keep track of appointments, school functions, extra curriculars and plan for next year.

I know there are worse things. Many worse things. There is a roof over our heads and we have everything we need and probably want. We are safe and warm and there is love. We are expertly treading water and waiting for the time the next step can be taken.

I used to  color, with pencils and gel pens. I’ve been doing that since even before our daughter. It was something I loved doing with her. She animates on her computer now and I have a new set of books and nice pencils that sit on my nightstand and have for awhile. It would help, but I haven’t picked them up. Reading helped, but I find myself unable to let myself escape into the stories I’ve stockpiled. Swimming was good–guess we gave up that health club membership before we should have.

So right now I clean the house. Everyday. Which does give me a sense of snapping that last puzzle piece in. I watch far more TV/movies than I ever have. I went years without a TV and was fine,but not right now. I look forward to the day that a walk in a cemetery is again a favorite way to feel better. I sleep too much.  But I also organize and purge.I’ve enjoyed that quite a lot. It has been very freeing. Once a month or more I go see my friend who gives me good hair and company, finding him again was a true joy. I have some pretty deep talks with my sweet young teenager. I get to see her perform and overcome obstacles in a way that fills me with pride and love.   I know I’m not refilling my cup as much as I need to for me or for them. Incrementally it is getting better. I think we are all just very tired.

We’ll be quite rested when the next step comes I think. That’s the way I’m looking at it. Resting up for that mountain climb that’s coming.