Well I did it. Finished one thing
And quit the M.A.T. I started off this month joking, somewhat. kind of about ‘seeing how many times I wanted to quit.” Since I felt like the program was just too much. I didn’t understand how you could give everything the school work needed and everything your students needed and still have anything left for your family or yourself. And the answer is: YOU CAN’T.
I didn’t see giving up the next several years of family life (and my daughter’s life!) to teach other people’s children. However much I would like to be to others what my English teachers were to me–nothing, absolutely nothing is worth that. I really did enjoy those kids a lot, but I would never have had *any*time for my family, myself , that is, if I wanted to do it right, the way I knew how to do it right.
When I started trying to make this decision I read paper after paper on “why teach” and “leaving teaching.” I found so many about leaving teaching. All the things I’d had haunting the back of my mind were there in black and white. Too many classes, no time to grade, too much paperwork, stress after stress after stress. And finally–after some punative grading by a professor, a week when a huge paper was due, an uncomfortable placement (I never wanted to teach 9th grade (I do not enjoy diagramming sentences)I liked possibly 7th 8th, 10-12 I also really love elementary and middle school ages but maybe not for teaching English)some serious extra work I’d need to do to get ready,AND yet another licensing exam–well that was it. I’d still have two more tests to pass after that, another placement and 5 more classes and I’d have another class with that very odd man. Also, is there another profession where you have to pay to furnish your room in a reasonable way, pay for your student’s supplies and pay to take classes that may not help you? I kept noticing how much better it would be for teachers if they had MORE support staff. And then realized–that might be where I would be the happiest.
Because honestly–after having several close folks pass away in the last couple of years, well I don’t want to waste time being unhappy. I also do a better job when I’m basically content (it’s called work for a reason, but you can find good fits).
You know what else I found out–and it is something I can help to fix. It is something *I* could do to lessen the load–technology causes teachers huge headaches. I am really good at making tech work, finding what you need to do you job AND for explaining it all. And I admire and respect teachers–after all I know first hand what workloads they have! So I’m hoping that I can find a way to take this desire to well–be of service to education and use my powers for good!
I sure am leaving out a lot of adjectives I’d like to use.
Computers look REALLY good again. I am very good and would like to find a job where I can do my best, really excel but not have to give up my life to do it. There are so many things I’d love to try right now. I’d love to help people get to college somehow. I’d love to work on writing and tech. I’d love to work in education and technology. That got me very excited and at the Arkansas Curriculum Conference– I found myself answering questions from teachers all over the state about what was possible with current technology and how to work with the restrictions of the school systems and still get to use cool things like youtube.
I left a 70 hour a week job and I wanted to find a 40 or 50 hour a week job. I thought I could do that with teaching–not if I wanted to do it well. And I need to do my job well. I’ve learned that after many years. I also want to have a passion for my work. Is that crazy?
This wasn’t and easy decision, but it was the right one. Maybe if they make the requirements less onorous–for becoming and being a teacher, maybe…I was good. I was “a natural.” But I can’t give up my entire life for a job. Or my husband and daughter’s life with me. I hope I could find a way to help prevent that for other teachers–well in a small way that is why I volunteer wherever I can.
So that was this month. An implosion. Relief. Sadness, real sadness.
A new cat. Babbage–his tail is excessive, impudent and ridiculous. (he is the little black kitty. The big guy is Mr. Teatime.
New friends, hopefully that I’ll see more of. A new direction. Let’s hope this is the one I’ll be at for the next 20 years.