I know I lived here. I know I had these friends and experiences. I have them all locked in my head. I remember some very very clearly. But there are very few pictures. There are many pictures of my friends, some of them I took, but very few of me.
This makes me sad. When I moved to SF I told so many stories about my life here–the hat party, the music, the friends with whom I went through many more experiences than most kids in Arkansas had at that time,. And there aren’t any pictures of me–of Pop Culture in the Park, that poetry and music fest I put on, nearly single handed. There aren’t any pictures of me at the Icehouse, though I did help to get it going–I know I spent the time in the permits office and the Fire Department arguing to keep it open.
J pointed out that I was like the soundman–crucial but unobserved. Did I mention I ran sound for the Descendants at Lily’s? Or wrote for the Grapevine? None of those things show up either. Who photographs the soundman?
I left Fayetteville and then many things seemed to start here. It makes me wish I’d stayed another year or so, but then I might not have left and I needed to. I had a big life in San Francisco. I did many interesting and strange things. I wouldn’t trade those years for anything. I might ask for a refund on a few of them, but I’d keep most.
I don’t think there are many pictures of me there either.
And there aren’t many pictures of me now. It’s almost like I don’t exist sometimes.
Maybe it is time to take a break from the internets for awhile. All this reminiscing where I don’t seem to be makes me feel like I’ve been amputated, or …excised…maybe removed..
Edited later after a facebook discussion to add:
I also don’t show up in many pictures with Em or with James. And I don’t think it’s strange that it’s sad, it just IS sad. We want ocular proof we existed, that our memories are true and when it is lacking it is like we aren’t there in our own lives.
I resolve to be in many more pictures as well as taking more (if that’s possible) this year. Even with my aging head and body–it’s better to to at least be present if not beautiful.