And it’s been another while. I’m not entirely sure why. Some of it is just life and a lot to do and keep track of. Some is just …well I hope it doesn’t mean I’ve lost the urge to write. I hope it simply means that this is a “…sea-change/Into something rich and strange” and not a loss complete.
It’s been a very intense month. Very good in some ways with J’s big birthday party (which I hope to write about with pictures) and with summer camps (2 -3 hours a day of theatre or soccer)swimming and fireflies for the Bean but very very hard in others. My stepfather is gravely ill and can no longer be at home. He’s been in the hospital for almost three (?) weeks now. Honestly I don’t know if it is two or three. It’s been so desparate this time: another stroke, he’s just not making as much progress as anyone wants. We have to simultaneously hope for one thing and prepare for another. He has five kids and about a million grandkids and just about everyone is here. My sister is most excellent in being an emotional support for Mom and just jumping into situations and helping. This is not my forte at all. I’ve always been a bit distant from my stepfamily though certainly the angst and anger are no longer there–it’s just been so many years that I’ve been away, I feel odd about inserting myself. My sister, being younger and around the group much much more than I was in the last 20 years, knows more how to communicate with them and help them get what they need. So I cook and take over food. Clean up where I can. Run errands. J and I have both been by the hospital but we haven’t taken the Bean. 6 is just too young in my book and she’s sensitive enough that I worry it would be too much. She saw him the week before this happened and talked with him and sat on his lap and gave him many hugs . That is the picture I want in her head.
I wish I could help more. I wish the gap between us all didn’t exist but it does and all I can do is be as helpful as I can think to be and hope that gives comfort to those who need it most. I know how hard it was when I lost my dad and I miss him to this day. I can only hope that somewhere in this process is ease, peace and comfort for C and for his/my family.