Everyone is pregnant. Every blog that I read about miscarriage and infertility–they have either 1)recently had a baby or babies 2) are pregnant 3) about to give birth. I stay away from LJ right now too because there are new pregnancies and babies on my list. I am happy for them, but oh, I am angry too. Why them and not me?
I swing between angry and sorrowful. I am not sleeping, but instead thinking about what will not be. I wonder if this will ever ever stop hurting. I wonder if I will ever stop cursing, in my head, under my breath, as I pass through the maternity sections in stores. I wonder if I will ever stop crying late at night when everyone is asleep. Not every day, often enough.
Once again I’ll thank you for the pokes and proddings to catch up, to write more. We’ve had an eventful last several weeks, both good and bad. The bad is that my stepfather has returned to the hospital then been moved back to the skilled nursing facility. He won’t be leaving there anytime soon. My mother almost never leaves. When she does he gets upset which saddens her. She needs to take more time for herself and I’ve said so and she will if she feels like she can.
I’ve had a health scare myself. I don’t want to go further into it than that. It was a frightening miscommunication between the doctor and myself. When everything was sorted out the news is still not wonderful but much less bad. It was a terrifying 48 hours though. Really horrible. Life flashing before my eyes and all that. The news that is isn’t great but there are things we can do.
We’ve been very busy with the Bean. She’s been in soccer camp, Drama camp and this week swim and fitness camp. They meet a different parks for three hours a day and the folks work for the parks, the schools and are interested in becoming teachers. They are wonderful. Very patient and encouraging. It’s kept Bean from being bored out of her mind during a wet and upsetting summer.
I’ve joined a gym. I have very little idea what I’m doing. I lift weights for 30 or 40 minutes in no set order every other day. Arms,legs and abdomen. I run like a rat on the wheel for 30-50 minutes every day of the week. I wonder how long it will take to see a difference? I’m guessing about 5 weeks. That’s what it took before all those miscarriages. I’d lost 20 some odd pounds and had a nice bit o definition in my abs. And so I’m back to the drawing board and trying not to be too hard on myself. Having the Ipod and two new Abney Park CDs helps a lot. I’m just hoping if I sweat a lot that means I’m getting somewhere.
I organized an outting to the incredible Ravenwood Festival on the 12th. We had to leave a little earlier than I’d hoped (the Bean was staying with my sister ALL NIGHT~!!)and missed the after party, but it was still wonderful. Abney Park is my new passion. I liked them before but seeing them live and actually talking to them–well they are both talented and nice. And gorgeous, all of them. It was the big fun to get dressed up again. J and I spend so much time being parents and doing our life things that we don’t have much time for our preferred pasttimes (involving dressing up, random spookiness and music usually)so it was bliss to get to do this. George’s was transformed and the Bands were AMAZING. I’ve got several CDs to pick up soon. I think I’ve already worn out my Abney Park’s Lost Horizon’s
I suggested J’s outfit and helped dress the girls. J loaned G2 some old Docs with buckles he had. And I got to wear a flouncy skirt AND my paratrouper boots. Yes, that was good.
That’s me with forceps from the turn of the century by way of Lisa. I had a monocle from then as well.
Every time I see another infertility blog announce a birth…I wait to see the picture of the baby, almost as if I don’t believe it. I think about that lovely babyhead smell, that incredible miracle looking back at you with sweetly unfocused eyes in which you can see the vast potential for life, those tiny toes and fingers that somehow are more delectable than the finest truffle…
I think about all that and I delete the blog off my list.
I still get angy in the maternity section of clothing stores. I don’t get angry when I see pregnant women or small babies. I mark each month off in my calendar resignedly, wistfully and sometimes fearfully. More often fearfully.
I wonder when this will stop? Menopause perhaps, or not, if that comes early. So when? When will the sorrow and reflections of sorrow leave. When will the anger be not even a memory?
Each substance of a grief hath twenty shadows,
Which shows like grief itself, but is not so;
For sorrow’s eye, glazed with blinding tears,
Divides one thing entire to many objects;
Like perspectives, which rightly gazed upon
Show nothing but confusion,….
OK then, my friend A isn’t here yet and the Bean is playing Jumpstart 1st grade (smarTYpants) on her computer. So I’m going to blither a bit.
Yes, her computer. It used to be mine, but I started working on videos with effects and music and such so I needed more power. I built it from er, scratch? Because in my other life I was a sysadmin and bigtime computer dork. That life I may still return to. But that’s a derail we’ll get to in a moment.
Here’s the box, but mine is a much less frightening blue and silver
I stuffed it full of great things –best dvd, best cdr, best video card and buttloads of ram (scavenged some for a friend and the Bean still has over a meg) and made it all play together nicely. I think I did that while pregnant with the Bean too. Pregnancy brain messed with other things, not that so much. ANYway…she’s up there “playing a game,” which is accidentally teaching her reading and math. Heh. Wonder how long that will work?
I’m really over J being gone. This has been a long freaking week. For many reasons. I think I’ll email C and a couple of other folks to help me process this thing that is eating me up. I can’t and don’t rely completely on J to do this with me. Besides, he has enough on his plate.
From this point forward this: ~ will note that I’m posting a random thought. I will try and have a somewhat cohesive post, with transitions and everything but really I want to get these thoughts out. I feel very strongly about what nablopomo has brought out in me.
~I love Edith Piaf and am enjoying listening to her muchly right now
~I like my titles for blog entries, stories, poems…I give good title.
~did anyone else think the new bpal eggnog smelled a bit like playdo, and that that was OK?
~I’m getting very tired of being angry and hurt. The meditation helps. The uh, blurting, on livejournal does too. I’m so shocked by this turn of events and trying to both find my spine AND be forgiving. That’s not easy.
~ I must note for posterity and just for general extreme happiness: The Bean chose to read a book to me. To really read the entire freaking story to me. The first library book the Bean has read herself is called “The Ballet Sisters,” at least the first story so far. She’s been reading Bob Books and Hello kitty books for awhile, like ER, 2 years now (puffing up with pride) but this was a case of “Mommy, I’m going to read this book to you and you can’t tell me the words, I’ll sound them out.” Oh god, what an adventure she’s in for. Reading is well, the best thing ever. I love a few things fervently in this world….J and The Bean, Cats (both mine and all of them) and reading. When I’m scared I can read. When I’m sad I can read. When I need help I can read. When I want to escape I can read. And I can read anything on any subject. And I read obscenely fast –I have to slow myself down on books with excellent plots and characters or it’s like eating an entire giant valentine’s box of chocolates at once.
She asked me for a flashlight so she can read under the covers. Well yes, we will be getting her one of course! Of course! I feel like dancing at this. So many adventures. Funny this after on NPR today they were talking about the decline in reading. Not in this house. We decorate in books. Our child will be both computer literate (hell she’s going to blow us out of the water and that’s saying something) and a reader. And into music. It’s unavoidable in this house and with our (very smart and musical) friends.
~She’s been a good girl this week, not so argumentative or whiny. Karate really freaking helps. I’ve been getting her more exercise too. And she’s getting ready to grow about three inches.
~I think what I’d like to do from this point forward is start taking pictures to post here. Not every day, because well, content suffers when you post every day I think. But to post a picture as often as possible. Of us (cats and people) friends and Fayetteville too . We live in such a pretty place …
This would mean of course, that I will need to figure out why my new digital camera is so hard to take pictures with. My last one (a Kodak ls753) was great, but succumbed to the stuck lens problem finally after 4 years. This new one was inexpensive as digitals go, but had the controls I wanted. I’m afraid it isn’t great though, and I’ll need to stick with it for a year or two before I can trade up. This new one blurs easily but has some excellent settings. Just like I’d like to take a serious culinary class.
There are some big things on the horizon. (redacted after nablopomo)….
This is more than a bit disjointed, but there you go. There’s much to think about. And I thank those of you who have made this journey with me. I’ll keep reading you, I hope you’ll keep reading me. Ya’ll made these intertubes less impersonal and brought me out from my small friend group of readers into the blogosphere once again (er yeah, I was once mentioned in a few reviews and books for documenting\ my life).
Thank you for helping me find my voice again. Same time next year?