Well I did it. Finished one thing

And quit the M.A.T. I started off this month joking, somewhat. kind of about ‘seeing how many times I wanted to quit.” Since I felt like the program was just too much. I didn’t understand how you could give everything the school work needed and everything your students needed and still have anything left for your family or yourself. And the answer is: YOU CAN’T.

I didn’t see giving up the next several years of family life (and my daughter’s life!) to teach other people’s children. However much I would like to be to others what my English teachers were to me–nothing, absolutely nothing is worth that. I really did enjoy those kids a lot, but I would never have had *any*time for my family, myself , that is, if I wanted to do it right, the way I knew how to do it right.

When I started trying to make this decision I read paper after paper on “why teach” and “leaving teaching.” I found so many about leaving teaching. All the things I’d had haunting the back of my mind were there in black and white. Too many classes, no time to grade, too much paperwork, stress after stress after stress. And finally–after some punative grading by a professor, a week when a huge paper was due, an uncomfortable placement (I never wanted to teach 9th grade (I do not enjoy diagramming sentences)I liked possibly 7th 8th, 10-12 I also really love elementary and middle school ages but maybe not for teaching English)some serious extra work I’d need to do to get ready,AND yet another licensing exam–well that was it. I’d still have two more tests to pass after that, another placement and 5 more classes and I’d have another class with that very odd man. Also, is there another profession where you have to pay to furnish your room in a reasonable way, pay for your student’s supplies and pay to take classes that may not help you? I kept noticing how much better it would be for teachers if they had MORE support staff. And then realized–that might be where I would be the happiest.

Because honestly–after having several close folks pass away in the last couple of years, well I don’t want to waste time being unhappy. I also do a better job when I’m basically content (it’s called work for a reason, but you can find good fits).

You know what else I found out–and it is something I can help to fix. It is something *I* could do to lessen the load–technology causes teachers huge headaches. I am really good at making tech work, finding what you need to do you job AND for explaining it all. And I admire and respect teachers–after all I know first hand what workloads they have! So I’m hoping that I can find a way to take this desire to well–be of service to education and use my powers for good!

I sure am leaving out a lot of adjectives I’d like to use.

Computers look REALLY good again. I am very good and would like to find a job where I can do my best, really excel but not have to give up my life to do it. There are so many things I’d love to try right now. I’d love to help people get to college somehow. I’d love to work on writing and tech. I’d love to work in education and technology. That got me very excited and at the Arkansas Curriculum Conference– I found myself answering questions from teachers all over the state about what was possible with current technology and how to work with the restrictions of the school systems and still get to use cool things like youtube.

I left a 70 hour a week job and I wanted to find a 40 or 50 hour a week job. I thought I could do that with teaching–not if I wanted to do it well. And I need to do my job well. I’ve learned that after many years. I also want to have a passion for my work. Is that crazy?

This wasn’t and easy decision, but it was the right one. Maybe if they make the requirements less onorous–for becoming and being a teacher, maybe…I was good. I was “a natural.” But I can’t give up my entire life for a job. Or my husband and daughter’s life with me. I hope I could find a way to help prevent that for other teachers–well in a small way that is why I volunteer wherever I can.

So that was this month. An implosion. Relief. Sadness, real sadness.

A new cat. Babbage–his tail is excessive, impudent and ridiculous. (he is the little black kitty. The big guy is Mr. Teatime.

New friends, hopefully that I’ll see more of. A new direction. Let’s hope this is the one I’ll be at for the next 20 years.

Almost finished with nablopomo.

More than almost over the side trip into education I thought was the main voyage.

More than almost ready to be hired. I’m ready!

Almost ready to start working out again.

Almost ready to start writing again.

More than almost ready for what is next.

for my classroom management course.
Sigh. I did some cool things, had some great ideas.

http://mrsmartini.weebly.com/

Also trying scribefire for this post. And considering deleting zotero since I don’t need it anymore. That would have been a somewhat interesting thesis if it hadn’t been the craziest way to put one together I’ve ever heard of.

Starting over, starting over but with some skills. Starting over but with a LOT of skills. Starting over with even more information. I am looking forward to the next thing.

I wish I had more to say today but I made the mistake of eating a milk based cheese sauce last night so I was siiiiiiiiick.

I did decide that I will spend one hour writing, just writing at least five days a week. I expect there will be a lot of drivel at first because I’m out of practice, though one good thing that came of my foray into public education was some ‘just write’ activities. I haven’t been a truly creative writer for some years beause of technical writing and the like, but it can be restarted.

Like everything, or nearly everything. I’m pushing the restart button.

We went out for Fangsgiving for the first time in um….well more than 7 years. The Bean was sad at first said it wouldn’t be “the right way,” but we convinced her that it needed to be this way this year. After snuggles and some tears it was fine.

We went to the Clarion, which I am happy to say–my food is better, so I have actually learned a thing or two about cooking after not being able to boil water in my early 20s–but it was fine. The desserts were way better than I could do, and the rest put us nicely into a coma. It wasn’t as festive as it can be at home, but everyone had other plans this year so it was the best decision.

Afterwards we all came home and put on our ‘big pants’ and chose up napping places. Except Bean, she was still pretty bouncy, so she played on her computer for a bit, J did some WoW and I looked for a costume drama on the tv. Not too long after Bean came downstairs and wanted a snuggle and so I turned on the new age musis channel and she nestled down in my arms. Pretty soon Babbage, Haru and Bartleby showed up and found places on us to curl up. And I thought as my eyes closed how grateful I was to NOT have a silly amount of homework to do and to be able to guiltlessly snuggle with my darling child and 3/5 of our cat population. It was lovely.

I just finished making a Halloween cake (white cake with orange and black sprinkles) because Em really wanted me to cook something today, which was really sweet. Eventually tonight we’ll have some, but we’re still full!

My thankful list? The Bean and J–my friends old ones and new ones. For new challenges and for eventually having no regrets. For cats all too many of them, including the purry new boy. For family in all its forms.

deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall be woken, a light from the shadows shall spring; renenwed shall be blade that was broken, the crownless again shall be king.” J.R.R. Tolkien

I can’t get out of the habit of reading YA fiction even though I’m not planning on getting that teaching cedrtificate any time soon. Heh, maybe private school.

I do enjoy YA fiction. I just finished Skinned by Robin Wasserman. I would like very much to pick up the next one (www.robinwasserman.com/ ) It carries the same type of theme as Generation Dead (en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Generation_Dead) and Peeps by my favorite YA author Scot Westerfeld–thattheme of prejudice and judgement–of being separate through no fault of your own.

I’m finishing up City of Bones (http://www.mortalinstruments.com/ ) by Cassandra Clare. I’d like to read the next one of those as well.

There is just*so* much more for kids to read now. I don’t know if it is better (I still remember Anne McCaffrey with great happiness) but there is more.

Have some hopeful job leads. Have a lapful of cats. Have a couple of good girlfriends who have gently smacked me about remaining in the sad zone. I also have had lots of cuddle time with my bean and J and I have had more conversations in the last two weeks than we could have in the previous 5 months. Things are getting better. I’m speeding up my knowledge of office 2007 (I have 2003 cold) and adobe premiere elements and photoshop 8. I’m going to check into learning a few more apps while I have the time. I should look into another programming language too….

Ok universe, let’s have the next thing!

I am sad and I would like to stop being that way now.

I am ready to move on now. I am ready to start again. The next thing, a new thing.

I just need to figure out how.

Sad, all the work I put into the M.A.T. program. It is good to have this though. I did this before all the yuck started.
You know what’s funny? I started doing nablopomo this year, and said offhandedly…”I just want to see how many times I want to quit.” Huh.

Bean and I had a wonderful nap together with small Babbage today. It’s been awhile since she’s taken any kind of nap during the day–we always did that together. It was lovely to snuggle up on the couch and smell her cookie smell and just love my little girl.