Is it me I’m mad at or am I just feeling angry in general?
I have this thing I do sometimes that used to be great, used to be lots of fun and really wonderful and exciting and creative.
But now it isn’t. Now it makes me feel guilty. Now it doesn’t work anymore or mostly. And it hasn’t in awhile.
And really I’ve just been angry at four situations in my life for a year
First that thing mentioned above. It’s not just the one thing, but it’s all related around things I can eat and drink. The things I can are getting more and more restricted because of bad reactions. Either physical or mental and physical. It’s just upsetting that I can’t eat or drink things that used to be no problem. And I keep trying and I keep getting sick. And I know better. I KNOW BETTER. But the payout for the pleasure—it’s at the tipping point. But giving all that up is admitting that I’m breaking down, that I’m falling apart.
Next I’ve had this daily very very annoying and sometimes outright cruel interaction. Nearly every day. It’s been going on for a year and I haven’t been able to say anything about it, stand up for myself, do ANYTHING to make it better. I’ve been really miserable and I don’t think anyone –anyone at all realized just how hard it has been to get out of bed every morning. I’ve been on the edge of being deeply depressed –with this as the major irritant. Finally something has happened to take that irritation away. It’s going to be awhile before I can let loose of all that pent up anger. Mainly because I’ve never been able to say: You are rude. You treat people badly, you are inconsiderate and you need to stop doing all these things you know are wrong.
I wonder how long it will take before I can let that go? I do hold a grudge when I am unable to say my piece. I can usually let things go if I can at least say *something* . I’ve not been able to do that here.
The third thing is my health situations. I’ve had some scares. I have some other things that it is still too painful to say much about. But the fact that I’m experiencing this makes me really angry.
And finally—I just am overwhelmed –by my mother’s situation, by our house and my lack of time to keep it clean to my standards, by the outside of the house and J’s lack of time to keep it up , to the constantly changing requirements at the Bean’s school—and the teacher changes and there is either too much communication about things that don’t matter or not enough about things that do. And the Bean is changing and we’re having to face teaching her about lying and teaching her about navigating the waters of mean girls, and And there’s even one more large stressor I can’t even mention
So that’s just enough. What am I doing? I’m exercising finally and getting better at it when I have the time. And I’m making time. I’m trying to do less of the bad food and drink but somehow I find comfort in those things, a refuge from anger. I’m trying to clean every day but some days I’m just so tired . At least I didn’t wake up and cry first thing this morning like I have for so many many mornings.
I don’t know what to do honestly. I’m just not doing a good job at life right now.