I find people who are strongly themselves inspiring. My friend Beth someone I’ve known for quite sometime, because her brother is one of my longest and dearest friendships…is now someone I care about quite a lot and someone who has inspired me…to speak up, to continue being who and how I am , and to keep trying. Without her I wouldn’t have made it through those last couple of weeks in October when things got so difficult.
Which has to do with being on auto pilot. I was in a situation toxic enough that I just trudged through every day. Head down, sometimes crying there , often crying in the morning and finally throwing up daily. I would come home and get through the required things and then just shut down, turn off—nothing left, running on empty, crashing and burning into the end of the day. I quit writing, I quit painting, I quit lifting weights, I quit walking, I quit taking pictures. We rarely hung out with friends. It took everything I had to keep showing up for something that was eating away at me. It wasn’t fun, it wasn’t interesting, it was stressful, the personalities were difficult, there was too much intrigue, too many lies, too much ugliness. I had nothing left of myself.
And then it did all explode. And it was horrible and frightening and mean spirited. And ugly..throwing up, shaking in fear ugly.
And then it wasn’t. And I was on to something new, and fun, and interesting and kind and good.
And I am writing again and trying to figure out how I can get better with my phone camera because I miss instagram. And I started painting the kitchen some wacky colors. And the house is cleaner, and the clothes are folded and as soon as I shake this cough I’m going to start swimming.
How am I not going to be on autopilot in 2014?
I am going to go back to doing all the things that feel good..making things, writing things. I can do this because
my soul isn’t being consumed by a toxic situation anymore. I’m going to use this chance to learn and improve on everything I have a chance at professionally. I will be humble and teachable.
I’m going to continue walking away from people and situations that mistreat me.
And hopefully, hopefully…I won’t feel the need to escape into sleep, wine, more sleep and tears . So far so good.