“The old believe everything; the middle aged suspect everything: the young know everything. Oscar Wilde

Well here is the obligatory soul searching blog post.

I’m waiting to post this until after my birthday so I don’t bum anyone out. Thank you for all the good wishes. They actually do mean a lot. You learn to count your worth in FB or LJ comments (JOKE) and back in the LJ days I always made a point to say something about each birthday and each person… Maybe I’ll revive that on FB.

I think it’s funny when I have more going on than ever before–well I have less to say.

Or I just have no energy or time. Yep that’s it.

Some of it has to do with the fact of not wanting to dooce myself. I love so much about my job. Some of what I don’t love about my job I can fix–I’m in a position to create procedures that will fix my irritation. And that is a good thing. The work load can get heavy but I need to learn how to balance that. I need to work on saying no, just a little bit.

Also, I’ve been head hunted about jobs with more responsibility but haven’t bitten . I miss being an exchange/sysadmin but I do love that I get to help teachers, that I get to help kids–that I’m part of what saved me when I was a kid. Because without school, without my teachers–I would have given up.

I don’t like being old. Who does? My face is still good. I don’t tan and haven’t since I got sun poisoning at 14. I have good skin even though I’m kinda sorta fat.

I’m working on that. It isn’t going as quickly as I’d like. Considering I was skinny most of my life. Sometimes skeletal, but that after divorce or big sorrow yeah–then I met James and got very happy and comfortable.

And all those miscarriages.

I wish I didn’t take things personally.

I wonder now about leaving SF. No doubts about leaving Chicago. That was an ugly nightmare,except for the Bean and few very nice people. But…would we have ever gotten a better atttitude about SF? I’ve been told we left because it wasn’t our home, but it was. As much as this is.

Does home exist the same way now? The same way as when I was a kid? We are born someplace and we move once, twice or more. Then we move for college, maybe again for our first job and again for our second. Where is home?

I feel like I have two homes. SF and Fayetteville. Love them both. Both home to oddballs, freaks, old timers and just folks. In the same and different ways. I missed Fayetteville when I lived in SF and now…now I finally miss SF. it took awhile because those last years and 70 hour weeks got rough And the rental situation there is horrid. Crazy landlords, crazy prices, you still have to fix it yourself even if you don’t own it.

I wonder if Bean is ready for a visit to the Bay area. She’d love the exploratorium.

I wonder where I fit. My outlook is too young. That stuff about “digital natives and digital immigrants,” well explain ME. I’ve been at this since as soon as I could get near a computer. I loved them immediately. I wasn’t supposed to, I was an English Major after all. Heh, maybe I was a Star Trek Geek first…Maybe you’d call me a digital ex pat? or Fluent ?

because as much as I love the smell of libraries…as much as I love litcrit (and yes I do read that for fun) as much as I love (and regret I can no longer) discussing literature. Well I won’t tell you what I did or how I used to be because I’m all grown up now BUT

I love these machines so much. What they can do for us. What they can teach us. How they are US.

Our daughter has never NOT known a day without a computer. How cool is that? At 8 she installs her own programs. She is learning (a type of pine-based) email. She knows to lie about her birthday.

How can I be old but underdstand. What’s the term for me?

Sleepy. At least right now.