I’m afraid the experiment was a failure

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Categories: Daily blather

I don’t think I’ll catch up now. There was too much going on this month. A big birthday for our kiddo, J and I changing around everything we eat, me discovering once and for all I really do have a vicious problem with gluten/wheat , going ass over teakettle down the stairs thanks to one of the feline members of our family, sending a couple of new website designs live  and finally making a very big daily change to my life.  I love the idea of the A to Z Challenge but I just wasn’t up to it this year.


From Flickr Creative Commons :Celestine Chua

Maybe next year. Or maybe I’ll suddenly get the energy and update everything at once this weekend, who knows? I just know what I’m doing for the next 24 hours at this point.




Kismet, or playing chess with two Queens


Categories: Blogging Challenges, Tags:

Most gods throw dice, but Fate plays chess, and you don’t find out til too late that he’s been playing with two queens all along.
Terry Pratchett

The Seventh Seal

The Seventh Seal

Sometimes it feels that way. Even when it’s good. But then you don’t mind it so much.

Some things are “truly meant to be” as Sally and Jack sang to each other.  I teased my husband on an email list (the SF Goth List– oh so long ago, wow something is still there!). Then a year later, after IMing with him and each of us talking the other through some HORRID relationships…he moved to SF. He walked in the door and I thought “I’m going to marry him.” That scared me so badly I ran back in my room because I never intended on getting married again. 1 1/2 years later I was. And it’s been 13 years, 1 Child and many cats. And  it was all just odd and unexplainable.

And recently I left a really bad situation. Just insanely bad from top to bottom. Chock full of crazy, angry and weird. It had gotten so bad that I was going to do something I never did–leave without having something else lined up. And I did. And 5 hours later I had something else that has been eye opening. And it has lead to even more amazing things. And I love doing so much I literally laugh out loud on my way in, even on Monday morning.

And once, I gave something away on Freecycle to someone who would later become an important friend in my life–in our family’s life. And years after meeting and getting to know her a bit, we found out she ran the Anime Festival our daughter was interested in. And then we volunteered to help. Which improved the skills I had to such a degree that I was able to parlay that into many jobs!

Some might say it is being in the right place at the right time—but I think there’s a bit of magic involved.


The Elbow of Justice


Categories: Daily blather, Tags: ,

There isn’t any.
Or I’d be dead.
And so would you.

We have all gotten away with
So much.
Too much?

Can you admit the truth to yourself?
Can I?

It is good Lady J is blindfolded
She can’t see my angry eyes
and crushed heart.

I’d turn you in
and take some punishment as well
if it meant you would have to
measure out your excuses
into her scales.


I, Introvert, the less you speak


Categories: Daily blather, Tags: ,

There comes a time when you become

too tired anymore to try
to be other than you are.

When the small talk becomes deafening.
When the tension cannot be drowned no matter
how many times you hold it down.

It may mean No more often.
It may mean more time spent in
smaller circles.
It may mean those circles have
even fewer members.

Well then,
Let’s begin.


Hell is other people and Hope is the thing with feathers


Categories: Angst, Blogging Challenges, Daily blather, Tags:

hellisemptyThings are getting better, truly they are.

As Winston Churchill said: “If you are going through Hell, keep going.”

I did and and do. And will. Some things are better.  The change was necessary. This new change is necessary too.

I would just like to stop being angry. I would like to forgive the people who let me down, who wanted too much .

At some point I’d like to put the entire last year behind me. To not have to go every place with my finger on a panic button app or walk places while talking on the phone because I am too scared to be caught alone if that person is around.  At some point I’d like to forgive the people who expect but don’t give support.

I’m working toward a way of looking at these things differently, understanding them and letting them go. Progress will be made. I hope.

I hope.


The good in Goodbye


Categories: Blogging Challenges, Daily blather, Tags: ,

It is for my own good. It is for my family’s good.

I am trying to be good, to be better.
My definition of that is different from yours.

It is good for me to let you go.
It is good that we can no longer be,
whatever it was that we were.

You need things I can’t give you any more.
I need things you have never given me.

There is good in good-bye.

Listening to: Truth, Goodness and Beauty by The Cure
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