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Home is where your family is

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Categories: Blogging Challenges, Project Reverb

Project Reverb Prompt: Home: Tell us about what home meant to you this year. Are you a homebody? Did you do a renovation? Move? Redecorate?

We have taken down many of our paintings, our sculptures. Much of the personality in our home is being removed day by day.

We are painting and cleaning and working hard to have the house ready in a couple of months to put on the market. We’ve done so many good things to the house and we’re going to go ahead with some of the stuff we had planned and at least have a few months to enjoy the improvements. We have loved our big red house. We hope a family with a bunch of kids will find it next.

It has been such a great Halloween house.

House on Haunted Hill by Kathy Collier

House on Haunted Hill by Kathy Collier

We bought the house thinking we would have more than our one wonderful child. That was not to be. We will find a smaller home when we move. We’ll rent for a year first, or that is the plan. And when we do, the only room and decor we’ll be unpacking is the kidlet’s. I don’t plan to unpack much until we have bought our next place. So for a year at least, or longer I’m going for minimalism.

Or that’s the plan. We’ve divided everything into coming with us or staying in storage here for a year.  Then after a year ish , we’ll get on a plane and get everything loaded to come back. And visit everyone we miss and love here.

Or that’s the plan.

So home has to come with us. It is in our hearts and in our cats. Wherever J and E are, where ever the furry folk are–there is home. The rest is just possessions and furniture. I won’t see my books for nearly two years but I can still read. i won’t see my mementos and cool decorations for nearly two years but that just means I need to live in now . It is good to see what we really need and what is extra. It’s been good to clean through everything.

It’s sad, but it is also just a bit exciting.

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Never means 2 weeks

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Categories: Blogging Challenges, Daily blather, Project Reverb, Tags:

Project Reverb prompt: “What did you think you’d NEVER do. But you did this year. Why? What changed your mind?”

From Friends of Type

From Friends of Type

Someone told me a long time ago that never means two weeks. So I try not to say never.  I do see some things have ended but I haven’t said that I’ll never be back in touch with those folks. Just that right now it doesn’t make sense. It may not for a long time, but I take it day by day. When I need to be reminded of why ,I read saved emails and texts. But never isn’t really in there.  Just not today.

I do know that I said we’re never moving again. Nearly 10 years ago. And we are. And that first part is going to be bumpy. But we’ll get through it.  I won’t say we’ll never buy and sell a house at the same time because that’s what we did with this one and it was super stressful. I won’t say never because I’m superstitious and I think that will bring that to pass.

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Revisiting Letting Go

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Categories: Blogging Challenges, Daily blather, Project Reverb, Reverb14, Tags:

Day 21

Project Reverb prompt: “What did you get rid of this year?  Physical things you tossed out or donated?  Or did you purge a bad relationship, job, etc…?”

I’ve let go of a couple of relationships this year. Ones that never did become what they needed to become. I held on much too long. I do that. Or, I’ve done that. I feel a tremendous sense of relief at the release. Sorrow too, but that is part of the process.

eugenepostcardAlso, as we prepare to move, we are going through every single thing in our possession: Nto what should be, what is.

Reverb14 prompt: “Today, I’d like you to revisit what you wrote on 1 December on the first day of Reverb14. How does that compare to where you are now i.e. what can you say today with certainty?

I’d still say the same things, yep.

Then, without thinking too hard about it, grab a pen and some paper and finish the following sentences:

In 2015, I am open to…becoming part of a community
In 2015, I want to feel…freedom from the past.
In 2015, I will say no to…people asking too much of me.
In 2015, I will know I am on the right track when I have those lovely moments of saying “oh this feels good, I’m happy” and not being emotionally and physically exhausted. When I start to feel. Also when I begin to doubt that the sky is blue because someone told me it is orange, I’m done.

But when I find myself veering off course, I will gently but firmly…This has been great, thank you so much for the opportunity, but this is my two week notice of ….. I’m also hopefully finished being so polite that I get run over.
In December 2015, I want to look back and say…” What a big adventure this year has been!

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Somewhat Joyful Discoveries

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Categories: Blogging Challenges, Daily blather, Project Reverb, Reverb14, Tags: ,

Day 20

Project Reverb prompt: “What products have you discovered this year that you love?  Tell us all about them, and why you love them.”

I really like the shirts from SighCo. J had a very Cthulhu Christmas. And these GreenForest baskets have been very cute for organizing.

tarteCCOther than that I like Tarte Colored Clay primer and foundation. The brow stuff is pretty neat too. They have issues with their brushes though.

 

Reverb14 prompt: “How could you make space for joy in the year to come? How could you protect it?”

I will not keep doing for others at the expense of myself and family. I will stop trying to make what is fit my idea of what should be. I will only volunteer for non profit organizations. I hope to write nearly every day and go back to making movies with Em. I’d like to go on my walks again and swim.forsale

But I have to get through getting the house ready for us to sell it.

 

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Wrestling with Symbolism

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Categories: Blogging Challenges, Daily blather, Project Reverb, Reverb14, Tags: ,

Day 19

Project Reverb prompt: “What did you wrestle with in 2014?  What did you learn?  What challenges do you foresee in 2015?”

I love how these keep circling back, as if to drive the point home. This is a way to recognize how not to repeat the same painful things or the wrong path things in the next year. It is also a little disheartening because some of the same things I’m still struggling with ..continue to struggle with. I hope this is the year I’m just done with the most painful ones.

I’m hoping I’m finished with being taken advantage of. I’m hoping I’m finished with …the first 20 years of my life.

The first is easier to explain, it springs from the second. I’ve always thought if I worked hard and was kind I would be treated fairly. That is not the case. I need to be more aware and more clear about how things can be a part of my life, but not take over my life. I need to keep doing the things that give me joy like time with my family, writing, reading, painting and making family movies. This year one part of my life was so demanding most of the things I enjoyed …I stopped doing them. I had nothing left for them.

As for the first 20 years. We’re moving next summer. What I thought was permanent and a chance to put to rest all the demons of the first 20 years of my life, returning home..it’s happened but in a very different way than I imagined.

After a particularly horrifying couple of instances I find I’m just not angry anymore. Hurt somewhat, but even that seems burned out of me mostly. It didn’t change, it won’t change and I’m tired. Just so very tired.  It wasn’t all bad, there were some good times. I’ll remember them.  And we tried but it is just too broken and it’s time to give up.  We haven’t figured out how to explain this to our kid, right now we’re just saying that the adults are upset with each other and don’t get along, but that doesn’t mean they stopped loving her. And as she gets older and ready for more information? Cross that bridge at the time. I’m sure it’ll go the same way on their side with their version. And so it goes.

The big challenge in 2015 will be moving and becoming used to a new way of life in a new place.


Reverb14 Prompt: “What sorts of signs and symbols have recurred for you in 2014? Think: repeating colours, shapes, people, sayings, music, images, ideas. Where could they possibly be leading you?”

A number of months ago we decided it was time to move. There aren’t a lot of of opportunities for work for me here. J needs to stop being a remote employee. So those signs?

Where did we get a decent amount of J’s presents this year…small independent shop in Oregon. And it might sound silly but I’ve wanted to go to a cat cafe since I heard about them years ago. One of the very few in the United States—an hour a way from where we’ll be moving.

Where was one of the places we considered moving nearly 15 years ago–the place we are moving.

When we’ve talked with folks about where we’re going it turns out they either have family there and visit and will be able to hang with us or the get through there often.

When we talk to folks around here about where we’re moving they’ve either visited or lived there and tell us we will love it there and will fit right in.

And it’s close enough to SF that I can make a trip there to see my friends from way back when in the first year.

And another dear friend lives only 7 hours away (and I’ve missed him so much these last couple,since he moved).

And when I think ‘maybe people don’t do this, maybe we should find a way to stay.” Someone else our age moves, moves their family –like an example I can see that says…yes this happens.

And there are three things that could have made me dig in my heels–1) her school, which ends after this next year (and I don’t think our local high school is the place for her) and 2) I had kind of wanted this job but it turns out that had some serious drawbacks and since I’m not employed full time…And turns out some of my estranged family (or all I don’t know) is moving.  The whole burying the hatchet thing,  that didn’t work. It seems the ties here kept coming unraveled.

J hasn’t made many friends here–he has a few guys he likes…but in Oregon he has guys he clicked with immediately. And a career future.  My work here isn’t going anyplace so leaving it isn’t a huge loss. I’ll be out of work as I get us settled and the kid through her first year there but that will give me a chance to learn everything about the place we are going to spend the next… 20 years I hope! And to find things for us to do as a family and for E to be a part of.

There are other small things…like I  read an article and it turns out that cool shop or neat experience is…where we are moving. That this opportunity for E is…where we’re moving…so I guess the neon signs are flashing .

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