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lucky rocketship underpants

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Categories: April Moon, Blogging Challenges, Tags: ,

April Moon, Day 14. aprilmoon_day14When I started thinking about this one, I felt like I couldn’t do it. Somedays, as Calvin said to Hobbes, even my lucky rocketship underpants don’t help.

The last few years have been hard. I keep a good face in public but that is about as far as it goes.I know others who have had it harder, or differently difficult. But it is all relative and personal.

And then on thinking on all this, and the stress of house selling, something just sparks.

Em has a great school and has spent the last two years with teachers who know and care about her, want her to be successful and require her to work hard. She has good friends who are great kids. Friends like I wanted her to have.

I have some friends I dearly love. Some friendships have grown stronger, some have passed by the wayside, all have made my life richer.

I’ve learned a lot technically the last year and more importantly learned how fast I really can learn. I don’t tend to think too much of myself (so much early training that way, don’t you know) but I did manage to impress myself.  I’ve also learned more about how *not* to work in the last 6 years than in the previous many.

I can take action to make things better when I need to and I have.

I’m really amazing at getting a house ready for sale.

I feel like those are lucky things. Things I worked for or at, but lucky, good things.  Luck and good people along the way .

I guess I can lament and woe is me. I can feel downtrodden and sad and somedays I do. But I’m rocketunderpantschoosing to look at the good. And I’m hoping my physical  self  will catch up with this and let me feel  that good, not just think about that good.

I look at Em and know I’m lucky. There was never any indication there would be much good to my life, but what’s been built is far far from bad.  Meeting James was lucky, because I’d pretty much thrown in the towel at the point we got together. But one more try…

As Coleman Cox said (not Jefferson ) “I’m a great believer in luck, the harder I work, the more luck I have. “

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A fight for breath, an ache for home

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Categories: April Moon, Blogging Challenges, Tags: ,

aprilmoon_day13April Moon, Day 13

Oh so many things…
I wonder if I will ever be done with this moving process. I started early to make it easier on every one and myself–just to do a little each day. But that means I’ve been working on this for 8 months.That’s a long time.

I wonder if I will ever stop jumping each time the phone rings or a car door closes.

I wonder if I will ever feel fully at home anywhere. I think I did for quite a while in SF. And again here in Fayetteville– for a little bit –the first few years. Is it a fleeting feeling? Can it last?

It has to last because this will be the last state I move to. It has to be.

I wonder if I will ever get my energy back. It’s been gone for so long. I am working to get it back but so far not yet.

I wonder if I will ever

if I will ever

get to the top of my breath, easily and without fighting for it.

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Once each day

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Categories: Daily blather

aprilmoon_day12 Oh that’s an easy one… When I pick up Em from school.

I love to see her smile as she walks out the door.

I like to see the sweet loping walk she has, all arms and legs and hair in her face.

It’s like the sun comes out from behind clouds when she appears and I hope she always sees that on my face. makabean

When I was  younger I never thought I’d be a mom. I had big plans and things I had to do. I did quite a few of those. Enough that I don’t feel like I am or have been missing out on anything. I had incredible adventures and did quite a few things I’m proud of. It would have been a serious loss in my life if I had never had a child–moreso than missing just about anything else.

I feel so lucky that I did get to have the experience of being a mother, but especially her mother. She’s so kind, so good hearted. She’s sensitive and caring and curious and silly and amazing.

I have been looked down upon for the times I’ve spent being “just a mother.” I have never been ‘just”  a mother. There’s no ‘just’ about being someone’s parent. It used to hurt when that happened but now it seems strange that anyone would be that dismissive.

Yes, like the sun through the clouds after days of rain.

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Seal up your lips and give no words but mum.

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Categories: April Moon, Blogging Challenges, Tags: ,

aprilmoon_day11 Well that’s kind of an ironic topic for me.

I’ve been keeping a journal online since the 90s.

Not all of it is still up, and some is locked behind passwords .

I was a confessional poet when I was a poet and I’m more than a bit of a confessional blogger.

I do try and leave some things out.

Work mostly. And now things about The Bean because she is old enough to say what she does and does not want out there.  Some things about J and I. Hey 14 years of marriage has its ups and downs but those don’t belong out in the ether too much.

And I’m trying not to say negative things. Or if I do to follow it with a positive. I think we are defined by the words we send out into the world and our hearts and minds hear those bad things we say about ourselves.

Some things I have to talk about after the fact too. Some things you just have to be in, go through and only then can the words be more than incoherent murmurs and rantings.

I had to hide for so long, that I tend not to anymore about my own struggles. But when it involves those I love well, discretion is good.

Except the cats. I’ll say anything I want to about them.

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Barely boiling water

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Categories: April Moon, Blogging Challenges, Daily blather, Tags: ,

aprilmoon_day10

April Moon, Day 10

Ah the kitchen, center of the home, place of sustenance and creativity.

It wasn’t always that way.

My Dad liked to cook I think. My mother hated it.

I didn’t know how. When I moved out I could barely boil water.

Several lovely men taught me how to do a few things in the kitchen–I think it was make a basic spaghetti sauce. If it weren’t for Eric, Ben and Greg I probably wouldn’t have eaten anything other than hamburgers and pizza..ever.

And years later a good friend, Angela, taught me again.

And Matt encouraged me when I got out on my own. It was ok to cook for one person. Not just graze.

I didn’t really like to cook for groups..or make dinner for friends until J and I got together. I never thought I’d be very good at it. It does take practice.

I don’t have a natural talent in the kitchen. I cook things I learn from recipes. I can now improvise a bit.

And…with a little help from J, I can pull off a great Fangsgiving and have it all come out at the same time! All the side dishes, rolls and turkey.

So when I go in the kitchen I don’t feel dread anymore..I feel an opportunity to show some love.

J and E even have favorite meals they ask me to make–that is a joy I might not have had if I hadn’t decided it really was ok to cook–that it wouldn’t make me less fierce somehow (I think that was my mother’s point, but I actually turned out to like homey things like cooking and fixing and decorating–in addition to computers and networks You can have both).

And soon I’ll start teaching Em. She’ll know how to boil water when she gets out on her own, but I hope still missing the things I’ve cooked for her.  I hope she’ll come back on the weekends and ask me to make those parmesan chicken wings.

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Short Sharp Shock

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Categories: April Moon, Blogging Challenges, Tags: ,

aprilmoon_day9 April Moon Day 9

Well that’s interesting.

I was diagnosed with PTSD in the 90s.

When I don’t have more than normal stress I can manage pretty well. Phones ringing can still make me jump. I’m not good with sudden sharp noises but when things are good my heart doesn’t continue to pound for an hour or more afterwards.

But right now, a car pulling up, a text message sound, even a phone call can require me to count my breaths and sometimes I need more help than that.

I doubt I’ll ever be good with sharp sounds or yelling. I had a job not too long ago where there was a lot of yelling–in an office setting too. That was extremely difficult.

I’m working through it. I think when we are through this move and settled in to our new state it will become easier. I was told I’d need to accept the fact that some of this would never go away–too many shocks to my system when I was young, too much cortisol for too long. But  that doesn’t have to be a sentence to hide away from everything. Just to remember to take quiet in liberal doses.

But I’m glad, so glad I don’t have to  hear square heels hitting hard floors and a click in the knee ever again.

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