Erstwhile Dancefloor Revolution

just before you die. That is true. It’s called Life ~Terry Pratchett

First of all I have to say how Terry Pratchett has shaped my adult life. I wish I could start every entry I ever write about so many things with what he’s done for me and for not killing myself.

Terry Pratchett made me laugh in the bathtub the day I was going to off myself. MANY years ago. And that stopped me.

It sounds flip now but it really isn’t and anyone who knows me knows that I’m not joking. I’ve had some horrid things happen in my life. Yet I go on. and somehow..well cats, Terry Pratchett
and my husband who read him with me and helped make our daughter, the only one we were able to have… yes. These.. things, people, books.

I thought of this tonight surrounded by friends some much younger, some not so much. And I thought how my fading,drooping face makes me wish not to be a part of now. But I do. It’s just weird getting older.

But now, despite what isn’t happy or even right–the passing of parents who I have not resolved all those things with or the strange joy of watching our child roll her eyes (and yes, there is joy in that, because she becomes independent with those eye rolls) I both wish to not exist and to fiercely stand my ground, living.

And my head that doesn’t look right in the mirror…
This isn’t easy but it isn’t supposed to be. None of this is. It is all supposed to be a challenge, a mountain to climb. It SHOULD be.

Important Things aren’t easy and they shouldn’t be. If they have meaning. I’m not saying good doesn’t flow. But it doesn’t often.

Sometimes you beg for it. As I did with James. I asked the universe for something to go in the right damn order. And it did. It had to go fast because I was getting old and little did I know then (as I do now) that well…I was always only ever going to have the Bean. I was never going to have the two kid lets I wanted. Things were broken from ..from my 20s.

Em is a miracle. The biggest miracle is that I found James and he found me and we made her. Because little did we know after so many other chances she was …is the only.

I met him online… a year went by of talk and knowing…then meeting and then damn if I didn’t know so fast I was going to marry him even if I denied that premonition. But I put that aside
because seriously wtf? I never EVER wanted to get married again.
And then.
It all followed the perfect progression. Courtship. He wasn’t upset with my past or with they fact that I wanted to wait until we were only with each other until we…
and then six months later we moved in together.
And then a year later he asked me to marry him..on Halloween.

It’s all perfect that progression. I can’t help but wish it had happened 5 years earlier. But it didn’t.

And it turns out. ..
There will only ever be the Bean. She is a true miracle because what I found out recently is that all the weirdness way before I met him was premature ovarian failure.

Yet she happened.

Almost 11 years ago. But even before that we found each other. If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t be .
If it weren’t for her..I wouldn’t be a good person.

Life is fucking hard sometimes, but there are gifts too.

Emily in my old Emily the Strange cat jacket, a photo by jyllianm on Flickr.

I saved this and saved this because I hoped in the back of my mind I’d have a daughter who could wear it one day.
I wore this in my 20s. Obviously I was smaller and it has shrunk. It looks SO MUCH more adorable on her. And just makes me happy.

Bean on the way to her first private voice lesson, a photo by jyllianm on Flickr.

It’s probably past time for her to start private voice lessons, but we know she is mature enough to handle the practice now. We usually both try to take her and then have a few moments of talk while she learns the skills that will make her an even more amazing singer. This is one of the times I’m grateful to live in a college town. The University has a community music outreach program that provides an audition choir and access to private voice lessons. It’s even got me thinking about finding a way to take music lessons again myself.

We feel really happy to have one of those moments you don’t know about when you think about having kids–being able to support and nurture them in their pursuits. It’s really a big feeling.

She asked how it work, a photo by jyllianm on Flickr.

It’s funny when you think about it. Some things just aren’t around anymore, things I took for granted the Bean has never really seen. Until we went to a vintage furniture store. And it was an odd and somehow touching moment to explain to her that phones when we were kids had no voice control or screens. And no you couldn’t see the person on the other end.