So I’ve been trying to grow my hair out for over a year now. From very short. It has taken quite a lot longer than it did previously, but I think that has to do with my stylist not just letting my hair get really big
(because hoo boy do I look horrible when I do that) but still giving it a style each month. That makes the growing out take forever. Like over a year. And it just got weird and we were going to see William Shatner at the Walton Arts Center and I couldn’t see my childhood hero with hair I couldn’t do anything with.
so I did what I never do and went in half way through the five weeks. And cut the hair off at the sides, or rather Melissa did. And it helped a lot and made me a little sad too.
Because maybe I’m not going to get my long hair back. I like the ease of short hair but it’s been..3 years about now and I miss how big hair could make me feel feminine.
I don’t feel too feminine recently because…well the last six months of the year was rough with cruel things abounding. I’m still having reactions too it. I saw a part of a blue comic the other night and actually had to go vomit. I was at work dealing with trying to make some parts of a website more responsive and a song with some sexual lyrics came on (I was listening to a chilltronica radio on Spotify and it just showed up in the feed) and I realized I was shaking suddenly. I hadn’t been listening to the words, using the sound instead to help me concentrate, but some part of me had and when I fully heard it it was like being gut punched. That entire experience really did some things to me. I still walk around some areas with my hand on a panic button app that will auto notify the police and my husband should….things happen.
The stress took all my energy away. I gave up on the gym, on eating well ,on everything. There were several other stresses in that time that only worsened matters. I was starting to do better and then..
well anyway suffice it to say it isn’t a time when I am comfortable in my skin. Or in my hair for that matter. I don’t know if I should just give up and cut it all off or keep going with an undercut as it is here.
Anyway right now, that’s my best angle I think. I still like all my earrings. I wish I had a few more even.
And hey, that haircut helped me relax around the Shat. I still cried but at least I looked less unacceptable to myself.
It will get better eventually.